First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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