I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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