I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
