Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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