I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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