ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Randomize
