He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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