Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
