I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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