A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
