I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
