mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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