it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
