i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
