Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
from now on my penis is your penis
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
