did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
