Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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