Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
