fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
