he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
