hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
