My underwear smells like fireworks.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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