if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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