UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
