Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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