I'm so fucking centered right now
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
