you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
