wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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