I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
