I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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