I CAN MOONWALK!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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