i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Ladies don't puke and tell
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
