I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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