is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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