Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
