ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
