the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
