I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
