Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
