You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
