I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
