in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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