I wish I could punch you in the face.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
