She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
