shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
