Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
