I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My penis needs a shock collar
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
my liver is dry heaving
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
