direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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