her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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