yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
