My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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