he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
