beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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