I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
