and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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