I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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