Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
